It's Christmas Time, It's Christmas Time…

As Christmas fast approaches, some of us may already be wearying of the relentless stream of Yuletide tunes that dominate the airwaves (and ambush us in supermarkets).

Some are truly great. They capture the magic of the festive season — the nostalgia, the traditions, the jolliness — and help set the mood. Others are so bad — mawkish, irritating or just plain bizarre — that you NEVER EVER want to hear them again.

But love ‘em or hate ‘em, you can’t avoid them… So, I’ve undertaken a scientific study of this rich field and selected what I think are the best five and worst five Christmas songs. Including some popular classics, oddities and controversial choices that might get you thinking.

Grab a mince pie. Pour yourself a glass of mulled wine. Hold on tight.

Five of the best

5. Bing Crosby – White Christmas

For many people “White Christmas” is the definitive Christmas song. Written by Irving Berlin, it captures perfectly the nostalgia that often accompanies Christmas. And, released in 1942, reflected an understandable longing for a return to happier times. Recorded by many artists over the years, Bing Crosby’s mellifluous tones still provide the definitive version.

4. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

This is a festive classic dating back to 1953. Its controversial lyrics and tongue-in-cheek endorsement of consumerism generated a mixed critical response. But “Santa Baby” was a massive hit for Eartha Kitt. The song has been covered by many artists over the years. It’s safe to say that none come remotely close to matching her purring, seductive performance!

3. Harry Belafonte - Mary’s Boy Child 

Calypso star Harry Belafonte released “Mary’s Boy Child” in 1956. This lovely arrangement of the song by the legendary composer Jester Hairston was a massive hit for Belafonte. And the beautiful melody and simple retelling of the Christmas story continues to resonate. Of course, if you want something a bit funkier, you could always listen to one of the best-known cover versions of the song from the German-based disco group Boney M!

2. The Qualities – Christmas Time

Warning! With this song you’re entering an alternative musical realm. A world away from the chart-toppers that we know so well. But a song so out there, it restores your faith in human creativity. A little-known male vocal quartet called The Qualities cut a doo-wop oddity, “It’s Christmas Time”, in 1956. Written by avant-garde jazz musician Sun Ra and his producer Alton Abrahams, and released in 1960 on their El Saturn label, it’s a genuine slice of weirdness. Lovely harmonies. Doo-wop. What’s not to like? This is the standard Christmas song taken to another dimension!

1.  The Pogues (featuring Kirsty MacColl) – Fairytale of New York

This is one of those bittersweet songs that touches you deeply. A story about faded dreams balanced by the possibility of redemption. Pure poetry. Once banned by the BBC because of its raw language, this Celtic-flavoured ballad offers an irreverent alternative to the sentimentality of many of the Christmas standards. Strengthened by the evident chemistry between Shane MacGowan and Kirsty MacColl (and given added poignancy by MacGowan’s recent passing). An anti-Christmas song that became a Christmas favourite. Rightly so.

Five of the worst

5.  David Bowie & Bing Crosby – Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy

Every time I watch the video of David Bowie & Bing Crosby performing their duet “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy”, I marvel at the cringeworthy awfulness of it. Made for Crosby's final holiday TV special (Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas), this most surreal of Christmas songs opens with Bowie popping round to his neighbour’s house to play the piano. Encountering Crosby, who he mistakes for the butler, the strained dialogue that ensues is laughably bad.

The ill-judged counterpoint sung by Bowie only adds to the song’s woes. While Crosby seems faintly bemused by the whole thing. And as for the song. It’s slow. It’s dreary. And mostly revolves around seemingly endless iterations of ‘pa-rum-pum-pum-pum’. I think both stars sold themselves short on this one!

4.  NewSong – The Christmas Shoes

This prime example of Yuletide mawkishness recounts the story of a little boy who scrapes together his pennies to buy his terminally ill mother a pair of fancy red shoes on Christmas Eve. What’s wrong with that, I hear you ask? The problem is the emotional manipulation that underpins the song. And the crass lyrics that detract from the message: “Could you hurry, sir,” the boy says to the store clerk, “daddy says there's not much time/You see she's been sick for quite a while/And I know these shoes would make her smile/And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight.” Well, one thing’s for sure. If you want to kill the holiday mood, play this song. And bear in mind that at 4:44, it to just seems to go on and on and on…

3.  The Chipmunks – The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)

Omigod, where to start with this one?! As novelty songs go, “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” has lasted well. Released in 1958, it still gets a lot of airplay. And I readily appreciate the studio wizardry behind the distinctive high-pitched ‘chipmunk’ voices. But listen up: the technical skills that went into the song don’t make it any less annoying. It’s OK to like this when you’re eight years old. But adults should be given a pass. “Let's sing it again”, the Chipmunks cry. No, spare me!

2. The Singing Dogs – Jingle Bells

A real oddity, this one. The story goes that Danish recording engineer Carl Weismann thought he’d try splicing together the noise made by barking dogs that were spoiling his recordings of bird song. Quite why he selected “Jingle Bells” is anybody’s guess. You laugh the first time you hear it, but you really don’t want to keep hearing it every year!

1.  Mr Blobby – Mr Blobby

Arguably the worst song of all time, “Mr Blobby” is an insult to the very concept of music. The character was renowned (if that’s the right word) for appearing in the TV programme Noel's House Party. And the song, inexplicably, became the Christmas number one for three weeks (three weeks!) in 1993. It was followed up two years later by “Christmas in Blobbyland”. The less said about that monstrosity the better. Blobby Christmas, anyone? I thought not…

And a Christmas bonus

And because it’s Christmas, here’s a special bonus song.

The Flying Pickets – Only You

The Flying Pickets released this stripped back, a cappella version of Yazoo’s “Only You” to catch the Christmas market in 1983. It sat at the top of the UK Singles Chart for five weeks. It’s not really about Christmas as such, so you might think it’s not really a proper Christmas song. But it is about love, separation and yearning. Feelings often associated with Christmas.

And there’s an intense spiritual quality to a capella singing. Its celebration of the unadorned human voice making the style a firm favourite at Christmas. The evocative melody of “Only You” projects a powerful emotional strength. Given extra meaning by the video which features the six singers in a traditional pub. Playing darts, supping their pints – and breaking into heavenly harmonies. Truly wonderful!

There you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through the best and the worst Christmas songs. Let’s get this party started!

Photo by Laurent Peignault on Unsplash